Comfortably Numb

Gone

2009-01-21T00:54:00.007+08:00

bye?

quicksand

2008-11-02T19:50:00.000+08:00

Just another reminder that it can hurt so fucking bad.

i could never hate you.
not as much as i hate myself.

How can you tell me you don't want to hurt me and then go on to do so anyway?

All day long-

2008-10-31T01:01:00.002+08:00

We think of things but nothing seems to satisfy.

I remember you, and it's not such a good thing after all.

Can you help me occupy my brain?

is it all just wasted time

2008-10-27T23:19:00.006+08:00

i'm not the one to be saved by the words of bastard saints.

"then why chase the shadows of belief?"

comfortably numb.
why feel?

i need you
yet you're so far away.

And baby, this blows them all away

2008-10-26T18:10:00.001+08:00

Won't you tell me what's wrong?

I'm too selfish.

Miaow,

2008-10-22T22:12:00.002+08:00

I'm a failure.

I'm miss kitty :(

My heart is cold now

2008-10-19T22:45:00.001+08:00

A friend's going through a pretty rough patch right now - and there's nothing I can do to help ease the pain. I'm so sorry, I wish it never had to be like that... Be strong, we'll be behind you all the way.

*

The examinations will commence in less than 24 hours. All the best to everyone taking the paper. Hopefully my last minute cramming will be of some help.

And... happy birthday to Sam. :)

Somehow, the bar feels like home. I go there way too often for my own good. It's so fucking awesome when the bartenders put on a great song and the entire bar sings (or rather, shout) along.

*

I never really understood the fragility of life until recently. It's hard to believe such things can happen. Maybe it's not appropriate for me to get angry with god. I refuse to capitalize the 'g'. I feel so subdued and... numb right now. Maybe it won't really hit me until much later - I think that's how it is for me sometimes... Or maybe I'm just about almost dead inside.

*

Hellcat/

No words can express how afraid I am that someday you'll leave me behind.

So few people I truly care about- I wish that I had the power to make them all stay. Or maybe it's my fault if they don't - I don't have the holding power to make them stay. No matter what they say, I know they'll leave me someday.

You know you can't say anything when you love someone more than you hate your loneliness and pain.

Always somewhere

2008-10-09T21:09:00.002+08:00

I'm so sick of always coming in second.
I always try too hard only to lose in these games.

There isn't anything else I hope for. Nothing at all.

Make us comfortably numb.
Make me comfortably numb.

Going where the wind blows...

2008-10-04T17:47:00.001+08:00

Today morning I woke up a little sadder.

I remember likening the place to a jail- my main purpose was to get out as soon as I could. I felt like the place was cramping my style by holding me incarcerated within its numerous rules and regulations. The people in there who couldn't understand individuality, the overwhelming competitiveness of the place and the total blandness of it all. But now that I've left, I feel like I have no purpose anymore. Like a prisoner locked up for decades in his prime, only to find himself thrown out into the cruel world in old age. He has lost his only shelter, his only home; however cold and unfeeling it is. "What do you do with too much freedom?"

Today while reading Estee's and Halimatul's letter in the morning before I left home, I felt tears prickling my eyes. I remember just last week, when we were laughing it off. "Wtf, I won't cry! In fact, I'm fucking happy to leave this place!" Maybe, while counting down the days (Halimatul and I constantly reminded Estee 'Eh, 5 more days then we won't see each other again!') we subconsciously found ourselves growing closer and forging ties - it is during this time that I found myself talking to Estee about the most random things in life. Even though she won't read this, I hope you know that Halimatul and I are dead serious about going prawning together. And watching Kumar! Yesterday was quite unexpected. Halimatul and I tackled a tearing Estee to catch her in a bear hug, which made her cry even harder.

Within 4 years, I've made few friends - even fewer real ones. But the ones I've made, I'm glad to keep.

Maybe I do feel a sense of relief that it's all over. I managed to tell someone how sorry I am - I know you're reading this blog - for being a bad friend. Maybe it'll be okay. Like I said in the letter - this is not the end of it all. Just a good end to this chapter of our lives.

*

"Maybe it's because I love you, that's why."

I'd kill you for myself

2008-10-02T22:10:00.008+08:00

"Why can't I be saved as well?"

Maybe I shouldn't have wasted my time typing out that extra long entry which I published and deleted very soon after. Amazing. I must be insane... Yeah, very fucking insane.

And if the time doesn't ever come-
Just know for me you'll always be the one.

The nights go by so very slow

2008-09-29T20:16:00.003+08:00

Some songs are so apt at describing certain situations in life...

*

Grand Prix last night. My first time watching the race and I fell asleep on the couch. Must be the Sat night combined with utter boredom. How does anyone sit through it though? It was under Bianca's influence that I decided to watch the cars speed around and around and around 61 times... The science behind it is cool though. How-to-build-Formula-One-worthy-cars. Nothing interesting happened- like a car spiralling out of control! I want to watch one combust spontaneously. The car crash wasn't spectacular enough. I need to see some rage, when one angry driver goes ballistic and ploughs his car into another's, ruining both their chances at number 1. Drama.

Need to visit another continent. Preferably somewhere exotic. With friendly people and awesome cuisine. Sometimes I feel pretty adventurous - I don't think I'd mind ingesting a couple of worms, if it's for the sake of experiencing another culture's customs and traditions.

*

Mm.

Now I just need to find the nerve to do it. Ah. I should stop worrying so much.

Blues

2008-09-25T23:06:00.003+08:00

Bianca and I both agree this is awesome.

THE SUICIDE CLUB: Lawlz, do I sign my membership form in blood? Yeah, blood that I draw from my veins, because yes, I bleed just to know I'm alive.

Whirlpool

2008-09-25T23:02:00.000+08:00

You can:

*Stop punching your own face
*Stop scratching up your cheeks
*Stop drinking so much
*Stop wanting to kill yourself
*Stop wanting salvation, you can't have someone else's perfect heart.

And hopefully, stop hating your own heart.

*

Sorely inferior, I am your human teenage mediocrity.

Am I so insignificant to you?

*

Peeled away the diseased shell to find everything's rotten on the inside.

"Who believes in redemption?

...You were never worthy of my salvation."

I should have known...
If only it stung a little less.

To love is easy, it ain't easy to walk away

2008-09-23T23:04:00.003+08:00

Tonight I'll listen to the playlist and promise myself another million things... another million promises to break.

My dear girl, don't cry, please don't cry.

Kill the memories

2008-09-20T10:12:00.005+08:00

I'd rather you kill me with a fast and swift blow.

I'm not afraid of pain, not really...I'm just afraid of the kind of hurt that will never end.

Help.

It just had to be you

2008-09-20T00:21:00.004+08:00

Lately, we got a little acquainted with the kitties in the vicinity. It's amazing how animals display so much love and loyalty...Wish I could say the same for human beings. We see her (about time we named her) everyday after school - she has taken to loitering under the block. Waiting for us, perhaps? - for about a week already. She recognizes us and responds to our calls. She came bounding out from wherever she was previously when we called out to her, and proceeded to greet us warmly. Her feline pal joined us today, a tom cat who looks a bit fucked. His nose is longer and protrudes a little, and he seems to be of a different species - much bigger and taller than normal. (Egyptian mau!) Friendly as fuck though. He clambered into my lap and made himself comfortable there within five minutes of introduction.

I really have to bring them home to meet the dogs.

*

I should stop obsessing with the supposed plans. Supposed is the important keyword, please highlight. Anticipation is not a good thing sometimes...Especially when you have no real clue if things are going to happen at all.

Plans for two months down the road - after major exams; two years - more major exams...that is if I am smart enough to get through this round; four years...maybe five, if we survive 21.12.2012.

I don't want to be disappointed. Can you promise me I won't be?

*

Why is it that when I finally feel things could actually be alright that it falls apart and I crash harder than before?

Why do I have to be me?
And why does it have to be you?

"Miss you in a heartbeat."

Never good enough.

This heart of mine

2008-09-16T21:40:00.001+08:00

"Did you ever try so hard,
so hard that your world just fell apart?"

(I won't fight for it)
(I can't fight against it)

*

So tonight...
Pull the trigger-

Kill the memories
Stop the heart.

Love/Hate, Hate/Love

2008-09-15T22:21:00.001+08:00

Mutated kitties are really way cooler.

*

A knack for making me do the silliest things.

I should go knock back, say, 5 cups of coffee. Wait for the caffeine to kick in and in a mad rush, start on a hardcore mugging session. I should be feeling psyched about studying. My new hobby. Caffeine, my best friend. I will try.

Perhaps, in our slumber, we appear in a parallel universe. I wake up feeling drained, my dreams (when I do recall them) seem all too real to be merely imagination. Can all that really be confined within the boundaries of the mind (or heart)?

Permanent. Unchanging. Unwavering. Constant.
And it just had to be you.

The start of many supposed last times... I am quite the veteran at kissing my goodbyes goodbye. Many times I find myself promising to start afresh and fall back into old habits anyway. A leopard never changes its spots.

I miss the one with the kaleidoscope eyes

2008-09-13T00:03:00.001+08:00

I wonder if you even know I'm here.

A

2008-09-07T09:44:00.003+08:00

Refresh my memory, I need the serenity and tranquility of a Friday night with a good friend, shiny green boxes and classic rock anthems from the 90s. I want to lie there forever on the paved ground. Then maybe when we've reached an absolute state of calmness, we can stumble to a bar and listen to sad ballads and drink shots like crazy. Meet friendly bartenders too.

Need to meet more kindred spirits!! Apply if you find that you enjoy doing what we do...plus you have to be fun, funny, and struggling (this is an important criteria for Val). I'm not kidding. Please enclose your full name and contact details. Jolyn__@hotmail.com. Write an about me advertising on your good traits. We can hold auditions ;)

*

Is it going to be easier if I learn how to hate?

*

I'm sick of people walking in and out on me all the god damn time.

I don't want to be convenient. I don't want to be a substitute, I don't want to be a last resort. I don't want to feel inadequate, inferior or mediocre. I don't want to be second always.

But it seems like it'll always be that way.

Bathroom stall woes

2008-09-02T23:25:00.003+08:00

I think about the words that mean nothing to you and everything to me. You spill them out, I hold them dear. I wonder if you know. I wonder...

What does it all mean?

This is when I get all jumpy and twitchy. I feel random, like Brown. This post is half random.

The sweet goes down wrong - I cough too much and I wheeze and wheeze and wheeze. Stop. This is the last one.

Tomorrow my flen and i going shopping leh- Juice, lethal nectar, more cherry bombs (!!!!).

Maybe in a bid to stay sane I'll haul a bagful of books along. Promise not to make a mess of things. I'll stay sane this time, swear on my life. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, FLEN (L) (L) (L)

Today we sat by the river,stoning with our rotting limbs and body parts. Pictures of random street signs and unsuspecting people, we are INDIE KIDS. With DSLR (not really) we take pictures of trees and show them to each other "O M G WE R SO, LIKE, PHOTOGRAPHY MAJORS" Not. In our boredom, we lie and make up stories.

I love Jasons supermarket and ShittyHall. More sushi (onigiri), caramelized biscuits wrapped in plastic sheets, tiramisu doughnuts, milk tea. Esplanade.

Only thing I regret was not going to visit Khairiah. Happy birthday! I hope you had a sweet sixteen.

I digress.

What I love (if I am capable of it) most are the memories. Sometimes I walk down the same roads and lanes and think back. I wonder where I would be without you. Probably someone else, somewhere else. Today I'm glad to be here, despite the chaos and madness from earlier on. Other days I go back wishing to be someone else, somewhere else.

I hope, I hope, I really hope things will be okay.

But it'll fuck up eventually... I told you. I am optimistically sadistic. Not quite the same as being sadistically optimistic. I suddenly feel the fwup...maybe it'll be better to turn off the brain for a while.

I AM SORRY OKAY, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DONT LISTEN TO MY TIRADE

2008-08-31T22:19:00.005+08:00

I should get FUCK OFF tattooed on my forehead. Keep people -potential assholes- away. Show them how bro0tal I really am and put implants in my forehead instead of my chest. "So what, you think you can hurt me? I'll show you - I can take all kinds of pain, you bitch!!" Yeah, even emotional. So true.

Maybe I ought to break into a fucking arsenal, steal some weapons and gun down innocent kids just for the heck of it.

Tattoo BULLETPROOF across my chest.

Here's a possibility: I can grow up to be a god damn terrorist.

Kill 'em all.

I need some music to brutally assault my auditory senses

*

What did I do to deserve such treatment? "Oh, sometimes it's just like that." Truth is, God hates you, so fuck it. Fuck God then!!!!!!!!!! *inserts multiple smiley faces*

It hit me like a fucking truck. I probably should feel more angry than sad.

It's not happening.

I'm here, waiting for you

2008-08-26T01:05:00.001+08:00

Keeping silent doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Reminders, reminders everywhere.

I love this girl though. Wish I were her friend - wish I were her actually.

*

I love text tattoos.

On the subject of tattoos, I've been looking up white ink tattoos a lot recently. I somehow like the scar-like quality, especially when freshly inscribed on skin. Reminds me a bit of scarification and branding... extreme forms of body mod \m/

This post has been pretty much incoherent. Sufficiently awkward post!

*

Maybe this weekend will be better.

FOUR MORE DAYS, VAL!!!!

Visual Orgasm

2008-08-17T21:32:00.003+08:00

Remember, if you have to go
I'll always love you- you're just too hard to hold.

Masturbation is mandatory.

Heart palpitates; electric line surges free.

Scarlet dreams

2008-08-16T19:21:00.002+08:00

"Can you show me where it hurts?"

"Here's something to ease the pain to get you on your feet again."
"Don't be afraid, it's just a little pinprick."
"Ah, yes, that's just to keep you going through the show."

But who will tell me what happens after the show, when the numbness wears off?

*

I'm sorry, sometimes even best efforts aren't enough. I should probably just give up. Yeah, I keep forgetting, too, that it's easier said than done...

Maybe you would like to enlighten me on just what I've done wrong?

Sick of it all. Fuck.

*

(edit)

It is all but a thankless task. I know, I know, we should never ask for anything in return but give out of the goodness of our hearts. I admit, I am selfish and I will never settle for anything less. Even though I know I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'll just lie in bed and hope for better tomorrows...and if that doesn't happen to fall into my lap, maybe I'll lie in bed some more and try again. Someday.

2008-08-13T22:29:00.002+08:00

"What a way to make someone feel worthless....what a way."

Wake up

2008-08-13T17:24:00.002+08:00

Wasted a perfectly good day away lazing around when I should be studying. I foresee another trip to the principal's office in the near future.

I have absolutely nothing to justify my emotions. I don't deserve the right to get angry or upset about such things, especially since I already know what I'm dealing with right from the start. Nothing and no one to put the blame on except myself... I'm sorry. Sometimes I get so fucking self-absorbed I forget others feel too.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

2008-08-12T22:49:00.001+08:00

I know I am but summer to your heart,
And not the full four seasons of the year;
And you must welcome from another part
Such noble moods as are not mine, my dear.
No gracious weight of golden fruits to sell
Have I, nor any wise and wintry thing;
And I have loved you all too long and well
To carry still the high sweet breast of spring.

Wherefore I say: O love, as summer goes,
I must be gone, steal forth with silent drums,
That you may hail anew the bird and rose
When I come back to you, as summer comes.
Else will you seek, at some not distant time,
Even your summer in another clime.

Fluorescent lamps clouded her judgment. Curled up in a fetal position, lying naked on the bathroom floor. My God is dead, she says. But she's praying. Crying and praying fervently.

What would you give for the pain to end?

Teach me how to feel a little less.

Teach me how to love a little less.

Love

2008-08-11T13:37:00.002+08:00

(A happy post to cheer oneself up. Val's doing one too.)

I love...

Val (because flowers in a hotel lobby and cheese in Greece). Teh peng. Warm horlicks (beats Milo). Candles. Margaritas (because I am a fan of salt). Leather. Lace. Boatrides. Bat Man (because he's gonna pay for my new liver). Quotes. Supermarkets. Tiramisu donuts. Piercings (Red eye, when when when). Marvel movies. Sappy songs. Headbanging. Angelina Jolie. Clean, beautiful toilets. Libraries. Books. The smell of rain on skin. Hugs. Kisses on the forehead. Bloooood. Victorian houses with tarnished, gothic door knockers.

I can't seem to think of anything else.

Still I'm sad...

2008-08-11T12:20:00.000+08:00

I have never and will never hate you. Or anyone else. All this while I've lied to myself... The only thing /person I wanted to destroy was myself.

I'm not asking for great riches and wealth, or great success in life (but I wouldn't mind)- I'm only asking for salvation and the ability to make myself comfortably numb. Is it too much to ask for?

Can you teach me the art of perfect apathy? Then I can choose to ignore my heart and blank out pieces of information that I feel are detrimental to my emotional and mental health.

Save me...

Life goes on; so yes, close your eyes, take a deep breath and walk on.

"Go away, just go away."

Rip that mass of muscle out- the unyielding one that despite being battered, bruised and broken multiple times still beats and bleeds all the same. Cradle it safely in your arms, it's not safe with anyone else. Throw it in an incinerator and watch it go up in flames.

Now at least you know it'll always be safe.

2008-08-11T04:17:00.002+08:00

Can't stand the hell I feel; nothing is real except for the pain

Letters

2008-08-09T14:53:00.000+08:00

You think this is about you, don't you?

* Don't downplay the hurt... I'm here if you need to talk. Even though I can't dish out good advice or console people properly. I have wet wipes, shoulders, arms and alcohol though. Maybe we can pull off a Houdini, if we drink enough.

* Tell me the truth. I can put two and two together (however paranoid I am) and I trust my gut instincts... I think I know what's going on, but I'll wait for you to tell me yourself. I don't want to second guess your actions and motives anymore. The truth might hurt, but I can live with pain.

* On second thought, I really don't want to have anything to do with you right now. Don't tell me the truth anymore. Instead, banish all the motherfucking stupid thoughts bouncing around in my head right now. Better to not know, right? Maybe I won't feel then.

* Maybe they should try putting themselves in our shoes. Is it so important we live the way they want us to? What's wrong with letting loose and having fun once in a while? Aren't there more things in life we can live for?

* Why are you using me like that? Why do I allow you to do it?

* I'm sorry our friendship has to end like that. I haven't spoken to you in ages, and sometimes I wonder if I killed everything with my pigheadedness. Understand that I have too much pride in me to apologize... God, I know I am too anal about things like that. I don't even know the specific word for "things like that". I am so anal about how I should be, it irritates the shit out of me.

* I read your blog and I know you think I hate you. I know you think I'm embarrassed of you, but I really am not. I hope you understand that I can't seem to show my care and concern in any other way. So yeah, cheer up about whatever's killing you inside.

* I wish we could switch roles for a day. I hope when we do, you can understand how cruel you are being.

* Will tomorrow be okay?

* You were the only light I ever saw...However dim it is. I try to act like it doesn't affect me, but it does. I can only hope I am getting better at hiding my feelings.

* Study hard and after all the shit, we'll go barhopping. Our plans by the river will be fulfilled because I will go to Greece someday to see my fill of the exotic Mediterranean. You can find your struggling mime then. :) (Obvious, much?) Cheer up 'cos I lurb euhhh. Always and forever. Remember the Esplanade days after Deafcon! Redbull.

* I think you're getting from bad to worse, and it scares me. You don't seem of sorts lately, and sometimes I find myself babying you too much. Not that I mind taking care of you - you always were there for me. Now I can return the favour I will. Just take care and remember to not work so hard.

* I think we need a really good sound system. Like...I don't know all the technical jargon, but yeah. In a padded room (much like an asylum, where's my straitjacket?), crazy disco lighting, soundproofed. We can play absolute disco shit and dance along. Our wacky, spasmodic dancing. Fireballs, finger pointing. And a bar at the side, with a cute bartender and 49 different concoctions. Invited guests only.

* You're not listening again. I called out to you when I was down and you weren't there.

Sweet dreams

2008-08-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

You find yourself here more often than not, the cursor flashing, blank spaces ahead... You pick your words carefully, afraid of getting found out and yet afraid of not getting the salvation you so desperately want and need. I need you to read between the lines and understand.

But do you, really?

Lithium picnic

2008-08-05T23:27:00.000+08:00

We spend so much time trying to kill the pain. Nothing works though, measures taken are merely temporary. The whole universe conspires against you- simply because you are unworthy.

"Just when you think you're finally free, Jolyn, remember this: the crack inside your fucking heart is me."

I think of the long and barren road ahead of me. Think of the salvation that I want so badly but don't deserve, and I wonder if things could really get better.

I could give it all to you now, if only you would ask

2008-08-04T22:24:00.000+08:00

I wish I could throw a god damn tantrum right now. I could collapse on the floor; kicking and screaming- with all immaturity- "Why can't things go my way?"

Breathe in tight, this is really going to hurt.

It hasn't really sunk in yet.
When it does, will you be there to take the edge off my pain?

Breathe in tight, this is going to hurt

2008-08-02T00:24:00.000+08:00

"You need this - trust me, you need it."

Sense the urgency when he tells you 'Breathe in tight, this is really going to hurt'.

Turn the excess into muscle; time for a Jesus pill binge.
Turn my water into wine; here's the devil himself in a syringe.

This lethal nectar will distort and destroy, it'll make you better than God did before.

You don't get it, you just don't get it.
You don't get it, you just don't get it.
You don't get it, you just don't get it.

I'll never be as perfect- no matter whatever I do.
It's okay, it's just another pain you can get used to. Learn to be comfortably numb.

All in all, it's not about death or dying. It's about stopping the pain.
Yet again I'll ask, can you stop my pain?

*

I like lying flat on the ground, back pressed tight against prickly grass- our very own Strawberry Fields Forever, Jean!- talking, the bright skyline arcing around us, "stargazing". Singing along loudly (albeit very badly for me... Jean, on the other hand, sings like an angel) to our favourite Beatles songs (remember to load up on them the next time) and making plans for the future. Hopefully Greece will be fulfilled. Mm, Mediterranean.

There are very few people I actually want to give a fuck about; I'll try to keep them countable this time... On my fingers and toes. I seem to forget I have my own limitations. I'm tired of caring for people who don't give two fucks about me in return. Ah, well. I send hugs and kisses to all my real friends.

*

Yeah, and for today I am grateful for Jean (who spent an evening walking around Cityhall with me) and the demon with the hardcore sesame street hoodie and sudden inclination towards piercings (thanks for the encouragement). Also Norman "UP".

Lost heaven

2008-07-28T21:47:00.001+08:00

Can we tear apart our destinies and slip away into the skies?

I would give anything to ease your pain. I close my eyes and think of the many words that could never come out right; the hundred and thousands of words that I hope would make you stop wishing you were dead.

If only I could hold you high and steal your pain away.

Sorry.

An automaton

2008-07-27T22:53:00.003+08:00

I am too god damn selfish to walk away.

I am inadequate, mediocre and inferior. I already know that I'm not good enough. I am unworthy of love, unworthy of your compassion. I don't mean to be a burden, I don't want to stand in your way and impose on you. I can't help myself though... I fall apart too darn often.

Would things be better if I left?
Would I be sad knowing no one is fighting for me to stay?

My salvation has crumbled to dust, the only morsel of bread I have left has been snatched away. The only drip of water dashed away... Tell me, why do I feel tortured in my trust?

I have only myself to blame.

Do you think I can bear to stay to become nothing to you? Do you think I'm an automaton- a machine without feelings?
今も愛している…

The kitty (ideas for names? Six) I picked up on my way home. Black ball of fur, with white socks and a patch of white on his chest. Parents are making a fuss though, after grandma told on me. I hope I've found him a permanent home here...

People aren't that heartless, are they?

Nothing is real but pain now;

2008-07-20T16:42:00.000+08:00

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me.

If you don't want to help me...at least, take me.

For Jean

2008-07-19T11:49:00.002+08:00

JEAN

If you do see this, give me a call (I'm emailing my number to you). Or if you don't want to ring me up, do drop me an email to tell me how you are k? Take care, and I hope you're doing fine. <3

2008-07-17T23:02:00.000+08:00

What keeps you up all night?
What's the root of your sadness, your anger, your despondency?
I hate to see you like that.
I wish I could spirit away all your pain.
How can I fix things?
How can I fix you?

I've tried so many times
But I fail - always.

Perhaps someone should tell me why I can't do anything right.
An immature thought, I know, but why can't things go my way for once?
Why do I sit down and take all that shit for nothing?
Why can't I fucking get what I want?
Why does it come easy for you?

Why do I lose the people and things I love the most?

WHY ISN'T ANYTHING ENOUGH?
Why isn't anything that I do enough?
Because you aren't good enough.

'UNLESS'

2008-07-16T21:05:00.004+08:00

The only reason why I am still straight. "All guys are assholes - unless they're gay." Guilty until proven innocent. Yes, girls are bitches too. Thanks.

Actually, everyone is an asshole. It doesn't matter if you're a guy, girl, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual or transsexual. Well. I hate all of humankind (including myself. Wait...especially myself; however that statement excludes the fine specimen above). Misanthrope for life. Fuck humans, cuddle a dog or lazy cat instead.

*
Deadbeat, but...

I think detachment is working out fine for me. Just fine.
Maybe not. I lied, okay?
Or maybe the monster is lying dormant right now, buried under layers of epidermal, fats and muscles, deep in the crevices of mind and heart -biding its time and waiting for that precise moment to bubble and spill over. Like a volcano waiting to blow. Perhaps. Perhaps this time there won't be any survivors.

Disaster

2008-07-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

11:11

Cheers to wishes that won't come true.

I'll still hope for the best anyway...

Would be so much easier if you gave me a pain that I could get used to.

It is alright. It is okay.
Won't affect me...much, anyway.

2008-07-13T13:27:00.002+08:00

Do I mean anything to you at all?

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?
For once, I don't want to be the one who cares the most. Fuck, I hate you for doing this to me

Incandescent

2008-07-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

People break apart in the most peculiar of ways. Some of them tragically beautiful- shattering kaleidoscope style; some very sudden, explosive and messy. I've observed the 'strongest' of lots falling to their knees in resignation and the 'weakest' ones to emerge fully unscathed from tricky situations, plowing through steadily. People aren't always what they seem.

*

JOLYN LOVES JEAN, BIANCA AND VAL. [IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER]
Thanks much, for staying up last night. Jean: meet up for soup and the waxing (wtf haha) soon? Bianca: Trawl Peninsular with me? Val: sitting by the riverside again, very soon...

For now, we will work on getting by!!

*

"How do you arrange your books?"

Gypsy Girl made me tear. I know I should focus on the main story and that the Gypsy Girl is rendered almost irrelevant and insignificant in this entire brouhaha. Still, she made me cry... I think of the carving knife and the petrified oak tree trunks, the days and nights under the green canopy, the stupid returned messages on newspapers dirtying her limbs. Her special flair with snakes and flutes.

Shot down empty promises, half-truths, brutal honesty, 10 years down the road, the made up commandments, Do not change, the desperate wish for real and lasting happiness, the jealousy, You will always be happy, the resignation, the almost accusing tone in her voice, the concealing of emotions and thoughts, How Silly!, the last chance, the last plea - Change, she scrawled in a note, forgetting the most important words: for me, the note fluttered onto the floor, kicked under someone's dress, more drunken feet kicking at it, cleaners cleaning up, into the bin, into a rubbish truck, into an incinerator, like a phoenix going up in flames. Ashes.

Waiting, always waiting. Solitary figure knifed into a grey backdrop of overcast skies and heavy clouds.
Finally, the gates to heaven opened.
Shrapnel. Bombs. Thunder. Running. Torn.

Knife, dull from wood carvings.
Last breath.
Do you even know?

Your heart will keep on beating.

*

I want to hug her and tell her she'll be okay. But it's too late, isn't it?

Prayer for the dying

2008-07-08T13:14:00.006+08:00

Perhaps my expectations of myself are too fucking high. Either that or I'm a fucking pathetic loser who can't even achieve the simplest things... I am so fucking dysfunctional. I am a mess. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of holding myself together. I am not supposed to be a mess. I'm not supposed to fall apart. I am not supposed to be a loser. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be flawless. I'm supposed to be a machine. When something takes me down, I'll stand up and fight back. Ever ready for the next round.

At this point I can't tell you what I need. I can't tell you what I want either. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know anyone anymore... People who lie to me, tell me things they don't mean. People who hide things from you and act like your fucking best friend. I am so exhausted, I can sleep for eternity and it probably won't be enough. Where have I gone wrong? What am I doing wrong?

I don't know anything that will make things better. That is what scares me the most. If it were a wound, I would clean it and put a band aid on it. But it's not a wound that needs stitching up. This wound isn't physically inflicted. It can't be seen. It's what's inside you. Can you attribute this to a chemical imbalance in my brain? Give me pills to dry swallow and hopefully I'll stop talking so much shit? My life is better than most, I know... What am I lacking? What's missing? Why am I like this?

Did God forget to put some special component in my heart when he made me? Do you even exist, God? Why the fuck did you forsake me? Do you care for me at all? Do you want me to go on my knees and beg? What do you want of me, really? What does everyone want of me now? I have nothing more to give.

So lethargic. The battle in my mind is ongoing... I am fighting and fighting. What for? In the end it'll all amount to nothing. As usual. I always tell myself to hold on. I'd tell people to hold on. "Someday you will be saved. You're not irreparably damaged. You will be fixed." Blind optimism? Blind faith. Maybe in the dark you'll find yourself... but who the fuck are you kidding?

I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be invincible. I don't want to be unbeatable. I was lying when I said I was. I am not. Will never be. I just don't want people to hurt me.

I'm sick of people, sick of school. Sick of alcohol. Sick of crying. Sick of caring. Sick of all the fucking lies. Sick of town. Sick of useless emotions. Sick of words. Sick of getting hurt. Sick of getting used and thrown aside. Sick of being alone. Sick of grief. Sick of anger. Sick of apathy. Sick of empathizing. Sick of hurting all the time... Sick of you. Sick of your shit. Sick of everyone's shit. Sick of my shit. Sick of myself. Sick of life.

I am so fucking selfish. I am such a horrible person. Sorry.
I need someone to hold me. And hold me together so I can stop falling apart.

This is the first time in a long time I've been so honest...
I hate how vulnerable this makes me.

Nothing works anymore. My favourite songs aren't helping. Who/what can?

2008-07-08T02:17:00.001+08:00

CANT SLEEP WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF I CONTINUE BURPING JOHNNIE

Tonight

2008-07-08T00:34:00.001+08:00

I can read you like a book. I understand you better than you think I do... It's easy to comprehend you and take you down. I'm not as despicable as you though. I won't stoop to your level anyway...

Yeah, I lie to myself every day about how I can shoot you down with just an arrow. So? Do you think I'm gullible now? Naive? Stupid? Yeah I may be all of them, but your actions, insofar, have been transparent. Like I've said, I CAN fucking read you like a fucking book.

You've probably demolished every rapport that I've built. But it's okay. I don't care about that. I don't care. I never did... did you think I did?

Great success. A really great one.

Whatever. Take me down. I don't care. Just remember, I am devoid of all feelings and emotions. Try as you might, I am STILL very fucking invincible. Lol.

2008-07-07T21:24:00.003+08:00

this life ain't worth livin'

baby,
join me

in death.

As your salvation crumbles to dust...

2008-07-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

Ironic...

Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts.

*

I am so incredibly tired. I feel so sore, like someone punched me multiple times... Except in this case, it's my heart that's taking all the beatings.

It's a bitter pill to swallow. The bitter aftertaste leaves me shuddering. But we're all spoiling for a fight. A self-destruction that causes total annihilation. So here we sit again tonight....

Alone in your grief, alone in your misery. Almost drowning. Always hurting.

Downing shots, lighting sticks, coloured pills. Whose downfall are you planning?

I'm a bull. I'm fucking strong, fucking invincible, fucking unbeatable. No one can rain on my parade and take me down! Because I am fucking strong, fucking invincible, fucking unbeatable. No one can rain on my parade and take me down! Because I am fucking strong, fucking invincible, fucking unbeatable. No one can rain on my parade and take me down! Because I am fucking strong, fucking invincible, fucking unbeatable. No one can rain on my parade and take me down! Because..............

Another sleepless night.

Val keeps me company online. Cheryl where are you?

Lying

2008-07-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it never was.
Maybe it'll never be.

If only...Yeah, if only.

I understand it all now. I wish I didn't though, because the truth always hurts. I'd rather be lied to, I'd rather hold fast and sink with all my false hopes. Stupid, but it's all that one has.... a tiny pinprick of light is always favourable to total darkness.

It doesn't work anymore. I think I've grown immune to it, like antibiotics. Overindulgence leads to immunity. You crave for what you can't have. When you have it, you'll take it for granted. When I look at the mess I've created, I feel both triumphant and sad. Triumphant because "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and judging by how I'm all knocked up and still ready for the next round (if there is one), I'm supposedly stronger and sad because....this is the end of it all. I've trashed everything there is to trash, now what do I do to escape?

Just when you thought you were free...

2008-07-04T19:28:00.006+08:00

Can you outrun the speed of pain?

Honey

2008-07-02T22:35:00.001+08:00

Express yourself day this Friday. A gimmick the school came up with to make pupils cough up extra money to put it crudely. It works though, I thought it was a pretty cool idea. I hope plenty of people participate in their matching bathrobes and housewives get up. Or something.

I hope I won't chicken out... Maybe, if I stop being fat and ugly, I'll put up pictures.

Study. Need. To. Study.

I should tattoo that into my brain with indelible ink. Gentle reminders will not suffice any longer.

*

VSD-
Is that why it hurts so much?

Sorry, that's all I can say. For being selfish, for being a burden, for not being good enough.

Don't think.
I won't wreck my mind (and heart) thinking of all the possibilities. I won't...
It'll all amount to nothing in the end.
Think of a time when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

愛してる

2008-06-30T19:35:00.006+08:00

I don't understand anything at all. I thought I finally had some semblance of control over things... But I realize that I don't, actually.

I'm beginning to see how the awkward pieces will never fit in this jigsaw puzzle.

Sometimes I don't really want an answer to the questions I ask.

Sometimes... I just want to be lied to.

*

Wish I had a home like Red Eye Sam's. We were over again during the weekend, same pool, same ledge, armed with Mohawk Sam's stash of alcohol. Swimming at 12mn, discussions about band names, tissue paper ("Once in a while, he sells tissue paper." - Red Eye Sam) and whatnots. Jean brought over needles, we wanted to play pierce Mervyn because when tipsy, he feels no pain. Redoxin, plenty of vodka, grapefruit juice, coke, apple juice, green tea...anything we could get our hands on, we dumped in to make cool cocktails... Courtesy of the ex-bartender, Mohawk Sam.

The morning after was cool, lounged in bed watching gh3y videos till about 9ish before we all traipsed out in the sun for some m4j0r 0wn4g3. Mervyn VS two Sams battling it out in the pool. They battered the former mercilessly with a volleyball. Somehow managed to rope in some 8 year old Chinky kid to help Mervyn. In the end, it ended with people spewing water out of their mouths at one another. Super Soaker and a pair of goggles. Pants pulling. Jean and I sat and laughed. My stomach feels so fucked from laughing so much. Ribs hurt...what happened? The chink kid started following me around, and according to Red Eye Sam, to throw a Chinese person into a state of confusion, throw water at him/her. Doesn't matter that all of us are Chinese...

Wish the weekends could go on forever.

*

Nothing is ever enough. I'm sorry I'm not.

Awkward girl, you're not so indestructible after all...

Somewhere under the stars

2008-06-25T23:14:00.002+08:00

FedEx me somewhere else please.

Tonight seems so :(

I hate how at a drop of a hat, everything can turn around and bite you in the ass. I'm so sorry, I probably shouldn't have...

:'( :'( :'(

Broken

2008-06-23T03:54:00.001+08:00

YUAN, YOU LIED!! CRISS ANGEL DIDN'T TURN UP AFTER ALL.

[Are you Jean?]

School. Yuck. In 4 hours' time.

*

:( :'( :( :'( :(

I don't think any number of sad smilies (what an oxymoron) will help.

*
@9.29PM

School didn't turn out as badly as I thought it would. More school work piling up. Random dates and numbers drilled into my thick skull by friends and teachers - I can name you a few: 8 weeks to prelims, 128 days to O's (?), 151 days till end of O's...if I can recall correctly. I can't wait. I swear, the monotony of school life is going to kill me. Pfft.

In school my mind is half asleep. I feel numb, like the gears in my head aren't really turning anymore. Need to be oiled soon. I'm on autopilot. The VP has taken a liking to me - really? We got off on quite a bad start... Hmm. Hypocrisy.

Miss the hardcore drinking and sheesha sessions. Need to meet up with Jack/Johnnie soon!! Preferably at Haji Lane, where we can puff away on hookah pipes and let the scented smoke waft around and get into our heads. At this point of time, we will start downing shots because we are so hardcore. Good plan. Who's with me? This time we'll get Jack to come along cos I don't really fancy Johnnie anymore.

Man, I miss all my [non-schoolmates] friends. Yeah, that means you...

I wonder why we're all so self-destructive. To forget? Yes, probably... I wish I could forget too, sometimes.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken...

2008-06-21T23:43:00.002+08:00

The irrational fear and thoughts are caustic.
I feel it eating away at my insides.
Hurry up, turn my heart into stone already!

I want to curl up under the duvet, face pressed hard against the sheets to stifle screams, my heart safely cradled in your hands.

*

You are fucking strong. You are fucking invincible.
So why the fuck are you crying right now?

How can you keep inside the hurt you know is true?

*

I know it's inevitable, but....
Don't leave.

Your world is too perfect for a screw up like me.
Yeah, I know, I will never be good enough...

Sorry. Love you still.

In a bid to clear the clutter in my head....

2008-06-20T03:38:00.006+08:00

Happier stuff.

I like...

And half the people on ROCKSTAR MODELS

The idea of a road trip, some overexposed pictures, smell of rain, dreadlocks, sunrises as opposed to sunsets, Egypt, comedies, camping under the stars, riverside, long slender fingers coupled with clean nails, labyrinths (don't put me in one), yellow coloured highlighters, using my dog as a neck warmer, skyscrapers, glass elevators, stained glass, tree houses, frozen strawberries, caucasian boys below the age of 8 (they're so good to look at - am not a paedophile), snuggles, dirty jokes, tiny alcoves in the wall beside the window to while away time, the colour red, wikipedia, sharks, friendly taxi drivers, jellyfishes, green tea ice cream, plane rides, little critters, spiders, ancient civilizations, injections and needles, architecture, abstract objects, Japanese songs, Victorian houses - spiral staircases, chandeliers, floor-to-ceiling windows, the smell of freshly cut grass, concerts!!!, grand pianos, Hogwarts (HAHA Harry Potter is probably the lamest witchcraft/wizardry series alive after Sabrina the Teenage Witch. But I still love it), mashed potatoes, ribcage...............

The list goes on.

I actually feel better typing all this junk down. I probably wasted hours of my life looking for pictures when I should be studying....

A bullet in a heart

2008-06-19T02:51:00.001+08:00

I log into blogger and type drafts that go unpublished. What is wrong with me?

Me wantz cuddlez. :( :( :( And ten billion dollars. Thanks. Okay, maybe the cuddles would suffice...for now.

No Salvation

2008-06-15T19:05:00.002+08:00

"What is human?"
"Nothing but a being of malice and misery."

*

I am scared because I'm screwing everything up. I'm afraid I won't have anyone left...

What's happening?
I feel like I'm losing my sanity.

Gimme my yesterdays, they're so much easier to face. I need a rewind button in my life.

"I sit down on a rock and try to collect myself, to tell myself that this is all just the drug thinking for me, that the real Marilyn Manson will be back in a moment. Or is this the real Marilyn Manson, and the other one just a shallow representation?"

- The Long Hard Road out of Hell

Issues with yourself. Issues with others.

It's like you can't tell what's real anymore.
How can you, when you're not?

*

I really can't anymore...

whiskey

2008-06-13T05:05:00.002+08:00

i downed 69 shots of gasoline and i'm having a discussion with val. don't worry, i'm going strong. i know my limits, and i'm not quite there yet....sadly.

it's 4:57am and i can't be bothered with capitalizing.

i am halfway through the bottle of johnnie walker. i had a full bottle and now i halved it. straight. ugh. when it's gone, i have to buy jack daniels to soothe my aching soul.

i can't sleep, really....

now's it 5:54am. I am still sober. The patches on my arms, neck, face scare me though. When I say patches, I really meant patches....god.
(quite) fair skin and redness.... I think I'm going to die.

it's 5:46am. please say you'd save me... my dad's awake, and i look like a leopard (except with red spots).

(editted)

[I meant to say 5:56am]

Friday the thirteenth;

SALVATION- will never come.
CARDIAC- faulty

Dying to forget you

2008-06-13T04:06:00.001+08:00

Another one of those sleepless nights...

You can't think of dying when the bottle's your best friend.

Her heart's on the line

2008-06-10T16:45:00.000+08:00

I found a nice place amidst all the hustle and bustle of the city...Nice place for the big city nights. Drinking last night with great company [Sharmila, Jia Ling, Jean, Sam, Mervyn] before everyone except Sharmila traipsed over to Arab Street for more Total Lung Assault. My throat is pretty much fucked. Ugh asthma. After that Jia Ling went home, before the rest cabbed over to Sam's condo to crash. We pitched a tent, watched Borat, dipped our feet into cold water and ate McDonalds. Not necessarily in that order.

*

Happiness could come in the form of pills. We could all OD on happy pills. Shoot up on happy pills, snort crushed happy pills, smoke happy pills. Saves the hassle of other overbearing emotions.

Sometimes I honestly why the fuck I bother anymore.

People should learn how to call out the bluffs of other people. Break that tough facade of pretension and find not a heart of stone, but one that beats and bleeds all the same.

Pray for a heart of stone.

I should put an end to all the depressing posts, but I can't seem to find any other way to express my discontentment with everything, everyone, myself.

Some people you care about aren't worth it. They come; they go; through and through, they hurt you.

Mr. Bartender,

2008-06-08T17:44:00.005+08:00

"Whiskey - on the rocks!"
A double or a shot?
Whiskey please, on the rocks
Oh my God.
This is the elixir that gets you on top.

I am so deflated.

I like the tinkling sound of ice as you swirl the amber coloured liquid around in a glass.

Broke the seal to a Johnnie Walker. Warmth sliding down your throat. An alcoholic asks, "Is this the only way someone can feel all warm inside?"

WYWH ♥

2008-06-08T01:38:00.001+08:00

Two days in a row we've stumbled into one of the sheesha parlours in Arab Street. In total, we racked up about 7 hours of our life [in just two days] breathing in scented and flavoured smoke. The filthy cushions with holes branded into them, raggedy looking carpets with weird stains, constant requests for more charcoal... Somehow it feels (almost) like home. Blasting metal from our iPods, blowing O's (I'm halfway there! Congrats Sam) into the air and writing. The company matters too. Mervyn, Cheryl/ Jean, Ching May, Joel and friend. Nice.

I know Jean won't get to read this, but happy belated birthday! Still calling you Gin.

Am feeling the aftereffects of too much sheesha. Ugh, Ventolin will save the day. Need Ventolin!!!

*

Here I am, sitting in front of the bloody computer screen, mp3 plugged into my ears. My thoughts are in overdrive. I think, but I can't seem to put them into words... I am missing. I am missing old times, objects, people. I am lost. Confused. Insignificant, especially to the ones I truly care about.

Can we hit rewind?

Still as flawed, still as hopeless.
Waiting for a call/message that will never come through
*

Tomorrow might be better. Or next week.
Better not keep your hopes up.

Won't you come home and stop this pain tonight?

2008-06-04T01:14:00.002+08:00

I will never be good enough.
I
Now, legs, please run. As far as they'd take you. The further the better.
Except my heart keeps telling me to stay...
miss
No matter how much you prepare yourself for the avalanche, it's still inevitable. In the end, you'll wind up broken, battered and bruised.
U
Either way.
Your heart will keep on beating, but I'm still hurt.
*

I hate how we put ourselves into situations that leave us wholly inextricable.

Time goes by too quickly/slowly at the same time.

Goodnight, you.<3*hugs*

Confuzzled

2008-06-01T05:08:00.003+08:00

Dry your tears with love ♥

Human beings and their self-destructive tendencies. We all like to test our limits and cross boundaries. We end up breaking through walls, leaping off buildings and burning bridges only to wind up causing unnecessary hurt to ourselves. Like Icarus, we all enjoy flying out into the sunlight...to see how far we can go and still come back.

I cannot stress this enough...If you get hurt, you have only yourself to blame.

(edit)

I am quite amused by certain people. Actually, flabbergasted. Oh well.

Miss Self-Destruct

2008-05-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

People astound me with their profound stupidity. They seem to be looking at the world through rose-tinted lenses. Either that, or they've been spoon fed too often, they sorely lack the brains (and heart) to do anything well enough...

Especially myself.

Sometimes, we all need to know where we stand.

Fuck, I hate people. Sometimes you have no idea what they're thinking. Do you enjoy inflicting hurt on others on purpose? Maybe I am too sensitive.

I am too tolerant. I need to learn how to detonate in someone's face and start being a sniveling little bitch. Either that or I just have to learn to be indifferent and unaffected.

*

Ugh. THIS IS JUST SO...WHATEVER, U KNOW!!!

I'm thinking of visiting that place in Clarke Quay again. I wish they would have Vodka events weekly though. Loud rnb covers by a live band, models getting comfortable and stripping to their underwear, sheesha by our sides, sipping extremely cool cocktails..... Expensive though. Wish I had money to blow on expensive liquor.

Wish I had money to blow on expensive stuff. Period.

Beyond recognition

2008-05-28T05:50:00.006+08:00

Broken
Bruised
Forgotten
Sore.

We're all too fucked up to care anymore.

Is it just me, or do I seem to fuck everything up?

R.I.P

2008-05-24T01:18:00.001+08:00

Why won't it rain?

I want thunderstorms.

Bright bolts of lightning streaking across the velvet night sky. Clouds shrouding the bright moon... The smell of rain all around. Loud, deafening claps of thunder. Pitch darkness until the next bolt of lightning strikes, zigzagging to make contact with earth.

I want to snuggle under my comforter and fall asleep to music playing on my iPod. When it runs out of battery I'll listen to the raindrops pattering against the windows and the thunderclaps...until the sandman comes and lays me down to sleep.

I want everyone to disappear - I want the whole world to stop moving.

I am not ready. I am not enough.

Please let it all come to an end.

Red skies

2008-05-19T03:37:00.000+08:00

I don't know why you're trying to hurt me but yes, you've succeeded. I concede defeat.

I so tired, I can't even put up with my own shit. Tell me, how can anyone else do that on my behalf?

*

Crucify my love - If my love is blind
Crucify my love - If it sets me free
Never know, Never trust
That love should see a color
Crucify my love - If it should be that way

Swing the heartache - Feel it inside out
When the wind cries - I'll say good bye
Tried to learn, Tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer - Is this forever

Like a river flowing to the sea
You'll be miles away, and I will know
I know I can deal with the pain
No reason to cry

Crucify my love - If my love is blind
Crucify my love - If it sets me free
Never know, Never trust
That love should see a color
Crucify my love - If it should be that way

'Til the loneliness shadows the sky
I'll be sailing down and I will know
I know I can clear the clouds away
Oh is it a crime to love

Swing the heartache - Feel it inside out
When the wind cries - I'll say good bye
Tried to learn, Tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer - Is this forever
If my love is blind
Crucify my love - If it sets me free
Never know, Never trust
That love should see a color
Crucify my love - If it should be that way

One of my favourite songs. Words and music by hide......hide-sama. I never knew he wrote this song until recently. That explains a lot, doesn't it?

I can't sleep.

Alter-ego

2008-05-18T16:56:00.000+08:00

I am ~~supposedly~~ cool, calm, collected, composed, confident.

Also known as Crash -

The flip side of everything you expected me to be. The train wreck, the car accident, the beer bottle that you hurled against the wall.

The epitome of a failure.

*

Stop.
Get used to it.

You've left quite a mess here.

Bet I never meant that much to you.

Is it all just wasted time?

2008-05-12T22:02:00.007+08:00

These are my friends.
Bleak times, eh? We'll stick through it all, with great music for company.
Because it's all that you've got in the end-
and it isn't a lot.

Someone hand me my miracle drug right now.
Something to make me dumb, something to make me numb, something to make me anybody else.

Irreparably Damaged

2008-05-11T13:49:00.001+08:00

It's amazing how a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.
Your heart will keep on beating, but I'm still hurt
*

It has become a cycle- why can't you get used to it?

rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat

Tonight

2008-05-08T00:02:00.001+08:00

I fear losing more bits and pieces of myself when I blog - so here I am, feeling the need to publish something insignificant on the World Wide Web - but getting all fucked up about what to type in this rectangular box.

The superficial stuff should be safe: exams (over...for now. Not probable that I pass, though); food (been eating a lot lately, please stop me); movies (Iron Man is awesome - I just watched it today); alcohol (too much beer - the thought of more actually made me shudder this morning. But I'm cool with it now. Just don't pass me warm beer that smells like piss, thanks); shopping (need to go soon!!!); cash flow problems (please remind me to stop spending money on unnecessary stuff. Nobody spends money on juice like I do - I bought cartons of orange juice and leave them at home, refrigerated. And the amount of food I eat. o_O And unnecessary cab rides.) and the list goes on.

Just who are you trying to be?

I am paranoid and suspicious. Disgusting.

: (

Tell me, why do I feel like I have failed everyone around me? And also, that most of the people around me are all possible threats that I want to push away, and keep at the same time?
Leave. I don't care.
Tonight they said
1) Drink those tears away
2) Drink those fears away
~~Because I miss you~~

Metamorphosis

2008-04-27T15:43:00.001+08:00

We don't know what to fight for now - thus we fight against everything. We resist the good, and allow the bad to fill all the cracks in our heart.

*

Music truly is a reprieve. It spirits you away, into a whole other world where everything is pure. It's an escape from all the filth in this world...

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

-Maya Angelou

We all have our own forms of escape. I will plan my escape routes. Turn tail and run when the situation calls for it.

*

Letting the whole world in on your secret - then you've got nothing sacred and special left for yourself. How many times have I done exactly that? Now, I've decided to be selfish. It's about time I locked everything up in my heart shaped box and threw away the key. Keep everything buried deep within.

I want to surround myself with the people and things I love and care about.
(I'll shed my skin, to drain you out of me.)

The times are hard - intense emotional sufferings that make you want to beat yourself up. But we'll get by. I'll pull through...as always. So will you.

(overused and cliche line, but my favourite for now)
Till death do us part. ♥

Till death do us part

2008-04-26T16:29:00.012+08:00

After all that has been and gone -

even after the pictures fade,
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥and the darkness turns to grey

I will be here
waiting

*

I was me...
but you weren't you.

I'll peel you away, and bleed for days.
I'll step out of myself, and shed my skin.
Just so I can drain you out of me.

*

Nothing makes sense.
It isn't supposed to.

"Always never good enough"

100%

Exodus

2008-04-23T20:32:00.001+08:00

Is it possible to be filled with so much hatred and sadness and still stay sane?

All your insides fall to p i e c e s.

DeviantArt: Pieces by VCrooks

I'm sorry for doing everything wrong. For not keeping my emotions in check and causing unwanted trouble for certain people.

Note to self: don't trust anyone. Not even yourself.

It's only when you're alone when you feel like that.
Don't leave me.

Here and now

2008-04-19T02:20:00.002+08:00

I know this is stupid, but I miss the KTV lounges my dad used to bring us to. The not-so ritzy glitzy places with peanut shells littered all over the carpeted floor; where they serve (supposedly cheap) beer and fried, greasy finger food. (Note: Not K-box!!!)

The neon signs hanging overhead with roaches scuttling across the dirty tiles, escaping into drains that emit an awful stench. The sight that greets us when we get out of our comfortable four-wheel ride. And the few old men that sit on portable chairs, all toothless and wrinkly!

Most of all, I miss the golden oldies. We used to sit on the scratchy PVC couch overflowing with disgusting yellow stuffing. Those were the days.... Except for the parts when my dad gets nostalgic and starts belting weird Canto-pop and Hokkien songs. I try hard not to flinch.

Timeless songs! I need to find karaoke favourites for nostalgic purposes. When I sit in my room and think back to how my father really sucked at covering certain songs. OMG. (Which is why I NEVER attempted singing into the mic. Kthxbye.)

Damn, to think I complained about "family outings" to the karaoke lounge. My dad and mum bought me beer on the last KTV outing.

Okay cool, I just realized I actually have acceptable (most of the time) parents. They let me manage my own finances, and I generally have quite a lot of freedom. Which might not be the case if I were to fail my mid year exams. It's okay, I have a plan. Last minute studying helps... a bit. I AM TRYING :)

I finally completed my essay on Venice - a month late? And I handed in my first A. Math assignment of the year. Good job *pats myself on the back* It's a start. I hope I actually accomplish more. Like actually getting around to making notes for the upcoming mid year exams. Which will aid in my prelims, and eventually my O levels... ~~It's okay to fail the mid year exams~~. Just as long as I do (relatively) well for my O's. I hope I can anyway.

*

Dong just gave me this link. LOL. He's doing reporting for The Straits Times. He told me to watch to the end, where this jovial old chap talks about bringing his wife to a hotel for a sexy time. HAHAHAHA. I laughed okay. OMG.

http://www.straitstimes.com/Video+News/Singapore/STIVodcast_4030.html?playid=4030&type=Singapore

*
I feel like I'm always losing things.
Friends even. All the people who matter to me. They've left....or are in the process of leaving.

Carry on, as if nothing really matters

2008-04-13T22:43:00.000+08:00

I would watch this again. And again. And again.

Friday morning - Sports Day. After that had lunch in town; we spent the time getting high on stupid R&B songs and idiotic dance moves along Orchard Road. We should all be Clubbing Queens. Someday we'll go clubbing together and grrrrrind (Johann style) people.

Friday night/morning at Home Club - beer and copious amounts of JD and coke from Sam's friends, Henry (from Germany) and Mark. Thanks!! I like JD now. There are days when I swing from hating it vehemently to liking it immensely.

Saturday - got up after less than 3 hours of sleep to drag myself to Cityhall for the WE WILL ROCK YOU musical. Fucking epic, I tell you. Despite the fact that I didn't seem to find all of the jokes funny. The seats weren't as bad as I expected it to be. I could see the cast, but not their faces/expressions. The Rockstar INXS guy looks cute from afar, despite him being 38 (Iylia keeps butting in whenever someone says something about him "BUT HE'S 38!") Anyway, they had a live band playing. I am astounded o_O It's awesome and heartwarming to see people of all ages standing/stomping/clapping/shouting lyrics at the top of their lungs.

Music CAN make the world go round. (I felt like this after watching Global Metal last weekend).

After the musical, hung out with Karina and Sharmila at Clarke Quay, by the river. We played games and I laughed a lot.

And now I'm home. Feeling tired. I spaced out quite a bit just now. A tendency to do that when I lack sleep. Pfft.

*

(I didn't manage to complete the post last night. Apparently I fell asleep in front of the computer again - my dad woke me up in a really awkward position, I bade goodbye to friends and went to get sleep)

I think I am overtly emo at times, it pisses people off. I should stop being negative...but sometimes I can't help it. It just takes control and I start blabbering nonsense and being pessimistic.

I think I'm too paranoid for my own good. I think too much about frivolous stuff, and get too suspicious. I doubt the intentions of people - even friends. I don't understand myself. I don't understand people. I don't understand why friends will try to put you down and hurt you.

I experience emotions that I can't describe for no apparent reason.

Pffft. All this turmoil. I think it's the hormones. Hopefully I'll bypass this stage soon and stop being whiny.

*

EXAMS IN TWO WEEKS' TIME.

>: ( >: ( I AM SO DEAD HAVEN'T STARTED STUDYING. Not to mention, it takes me about 7 million years to drill important information (like math formulas) into my brain. I'm far behind.

Sigh. Death to exams. I need to stop going to Chips/Home Club.

Everything is plastic, we're all gonna die

2008-04-10T21:42:00.006+08:00

The discombobulation will start in about 3 weeks' time. For now, time is gathering speed...

A reprieve from all the negativity. Please.
(Oh how it hurts...)

*

I promised myself no more negativity for today so on a lighter note....

We Will Rock You on Saturday with Pre, Sharmila, Iylia and Karina. Just like the good old days when we would meet up almost weekly for a chat by the riverside steps. Lying on the ground (covered with bird shit) and teasing one another, and playing would you rather games.

"Would you rather see Elton John in Bad Obsession or Iylia in...?" (an example) Okay I admit I miss those days. And the days at the airport spent 'studying'. Half the time we were in the toilets or outside for "quick breaks", talking about our extravagant mindfucking games that often failed. (Except for when I was wailing like a motherfuck about Iylia leaving us behind. Claire fell for it, which was pure pwNNN4ge.)

: (

How come the good times never last?

Eh Germaine, a shout out. I hope I haven't been neglecting you. Haven't spoken to you as much as before. I'm sorry. I don't mean to deliberately hide things from you or whatever. Thanks for being there for me always : {) [Freddie Mercury smile]

I think I'm gonna switch servers/blogs. It'll be good to have a fresh start elsewhere. Or maybe I'm just gonna stop blogging for a while. My blog's pretty much stagnant most of the time...

*

"And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain"
♥ Miss you in a heartbeat

Malaise

2008-04-06T20:07:00.003+08:00

I cannot be saved.

*

I've reached a stage when I don't know what I want. Days when I want nothing except for it to end. Put everything to a stop, grind to a halt. Then there are days when I want everything.you

Times when I drag myself out of this paralysis, and wish for nothing but to go back to bed and lie there all of eternity.

Even in this state of paralysis, the pain is still there. Like a rock embedded in the sandy shore; the tide surges and covers the rock completely - but it is still there. The nights when it's low tide, when the moon is being cruel, the pain emerges...just when I thought I would be safe. And I am alone. Completely alone, in the pitch darkness. No one to hear my cries, no one to tell me how I'm gonna be alright.

It is my fault - I chose to suffer alone.
It's alright. I'll cope.

*

I don't deserve to be saved.

To love is easy;

2008-03-23T21:03:00.001+08:00

It ain't easy to walk away.

*

Nothing that I do is ever good enough.
I'm trying though, I really am.

/

2008-03-12T12:20:00.001+08:00

Do you have a heart of stone?

cry out in pain

2008-03-12T05:07:00.005+08:00

WALK AWAY

friendship doesn't mean anything to you.
it won't mean anything to me, then.

i can't believe a "friend" would do this to me, can't believe how much it hurts.
i can't believe you would use me and hurt me like this over and over again.
i can't believe i cared.

it doesn't matter anymore.

i'm done.
i'm through.

goodbye......really. goodbye this time.

Aren't you tired of being weak?

2008-03-11T15:43:00.003+08:00

I'm holding it all in. If I exhale, I know I will fall to pieces. I feel so tightly wound right now that I'm keeping it all in...In the hopes that I will not shatter into pieces. Into molecules, into atoms; into tiny, individual, insignificant pieces. Like how you make me feel.

I wish I could contain all my feelings in a glass bottle sometimes. Maybe you would see it then.

*

It all comes to nothing. All this while, I've been in the rain, trying to shelter you from the cold and the wet. When it's sunny, I am pushed away, forgotten. Kept for a rainy day. I don't think you notice me. Not even when I'm the only one left standing by you when your whole life falls into shambles. I feel like mine is as well, just seeing you in pain. I want to fix all your problems, steal away your pain...but you don't feel the same way back. Sometimes I wish I would pick up the strength and walk away. Walk away from your pain. Walk away from MY pain.

But I can't.

A part of me remembers you need me. Sometimes.
The worst thing is... I need you too.

*

I might be going crazy, except crazy people don't know they are going crazy. Well. Emotions are a waste of time/energy. We should be happy 24/7.

I want to move to an Irish-Gaelic seaside village. Or maybe move to France and live in a chateau straight out of the Victorian period. Migrate to Japan, and live in Hello Kitty paradise. Hole myself up in a comfortable hotel room, with DVDs to watch and books to read.

*

I feel uncomfortable publishing my inane thoughts on the world wide web (hence the lack of updates, the ones that reveal too much I keep unpublished). Letting strangers read about my pathetic excuse of an existence just makes me feel rather uncomfortable sometimes. Or maybe I'm too afraid of criticism.

I MIGHT shift to my livejournal account sometime soon. I've had it since May last year. It's such a pity to let it go to waste.

//

If Germaine reads this, I hope you're doing good : ) I haven't forgotten you. If you need to talk, you can call me on my phone. I miss you man! Take care.

-

Anyway, I know this is late. But thanks all for the birthday wishes /presents (thanks for the JD, especially. Love you guys!)/ cakes/ treats.

Finally 16. Doesn't feel any different though. It was memorable, especially the makeshift cake at Home Club because of unexpected circumstances, and the booze fest afterwards. Dinner with family (without dad) was awesome. And also, the celebration in school, when close friends coerced me into walking around the canteen with 2 "horns" on my head. Then the cake we had at Starbucks... That was nice. Thank you :)

The end of it all

2008-03-01T10:31:00.002+08:00

And soon I'll meet my death.

Not from the years, not from the use.
Not from the tears...

Just self abuse.
Goodbye.

Dogs 4 life

2008-02-29T13:06:00.003+08:00

She's the only one I cuddle to sleep every night.

The only one who watches me cry and turn into a wet snivelling mess. The only one who peers at me with her brown eyes, telling me 'It'll all be okay, cos you got me and I got you!', the only one who hugs me everytime I come home smelling like shit (when I do come home at all), the only one who follows me around the house and warms my feet up when I'm using the computer. When I cry, she lets me rub my disgustingly wet face into her soft soft fur. She waits for me outside the toilet when I take long long baths, and never gets angry with me when I forget to feed her (shit animal cruelty). Even though I complain a lot when my mother makes me clean up after her, and she puked on my shorts once (eek) I still love her. She crawls into my lap when I sit cross legged, and rubs her nose against mine, and she gets a bit defensive and likes to snap at strangers. She knows I don't like being licked, so she never licks me, and she knows I like her to lie on my neck, so she will. My personal neck-warmer!

I never talk about her much to my friends.

I've had her for approximately 6 years, and she's my best friend (apart from Germaine).

OMG SO DRAMA. But I really do love my dog. The last time she went missing I had a hard time coping.

Someday I'll post a picture of her up :]

Don't know what you've got till it's gone

2008-02-28T02:26:00.002+08:00

It's alright, we'll go out without a bang.

No curtain calls as the curtain falls. Silence.

Nothing left, except for the silence. That's all that remains.

/

Just a heartache that got caught in my eye

Sometimes I drink more than I need
Until the TV's dead and gone
I may be lonely
But I'm never alone
And the night may pass me by
But I'll never cry

Never again

2008-02-25T23:22:00.006+08:00

I will not care.
I will not care.
I will not care.

I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care. I will not care anymore.

You can't hurt me, you can't hurt me, you can't hurt me, you can't hurt me, you can't hurt me, you can't hurt me. I am a rock, I don't feel pain.

I give up.

(edit)

I fail again. I make myself so miserable. :/

Adieu

2008-02-23T11:25:00.006+08:00

YOU FUCK!1!!11!!one!!11
:( I am losing you.
:( I am losing you.
:( I am losing you.
youfuckyoufuckyouFUCKKKK

My stomach is queasy, I think I might just up chuck the small amount of greasy noodles I ingested with Josh and Nita at 10 in the morning, not to mention last night's cork-filled wine and beer. Omgz. I am sad 8(

H8 this life h8 u. I'm gonna listen to sad songs and wallow in self pity, and then maybe try to throw up the vile mixture swilling around in my tummy.
Please be happy...Just be happy.
*

Anyway, just a quick update on Lingyu's bday celebration in school. It was pretty awesome, I started a cake war and inevitably had chocolate smears all over my hair (ughz) and uniform. I am culinary student!! Lingyu looked pretty distressed, she had chocolate thrown at her. TRAUMATISED.

I am running on adrenaline. I barely had enough sleep.
You fuckkkk.

Hello Sarah.

and this bird you cannot change

2008-02-22T04:32:00.003+08:00

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel like a wreck, a complete fucking failure. Up to my neck in shit. I feel so trivial and invisible sometimes, buried under all the shit people pile on me that I cannot seem to avoid.

I feel constantly irritated with myself. Very frustrating, because I'm a good for nothing dipshit. I realise I have nothing to contribute at all- not the least bit talented; cannot do anything right, ever.

*cough*Loser*cough* reminds me of ___!

*

Hur hur, on a happier note, happy bday Lingyu
Oh and I'm thankful for Germaine - she's an awesome friend.

To all my detractors: thanks a lot.

My world is falling down

2008-02-17T03:21:00.000+08:00

I feel really lousy right now.

When I see how disappointed you get with me, I feel disappointed in myself for disappointing you.

Combat Mode

2008-02-16T19:52:00.003+08:00

Last night was spent sheesha-ing with a random group of friends I met coincidentally in Arab Street. Lying on the carpet, watching the smoke wafting up towards the ceiling, with its interlocking W-shaped cracks = relaxing. At first, too much of the melon scented smoke made me want to throw up, and I coughed a lot, but gradually, it was less taxing on my poor lungs. Asthmatics lead a sad, sad life.

Before that, I had dinner with Sharmila, visited the hair salon, went to Chips to drink gin and tonic + vodka redbull. The place was practically empty, save for a couple of loners with their jugs of beer. We listened to random songs, talked and nodded our head in time to the drum beats. At some point in time, we took out our notebooks and scrawled down titles of books like studious little kids. Heh, anyway, it was fun with Sharmila. :]]

*

Anyway, here's a random list of things I love and enjoy:

Watching movies with friends; pigging out on cheese flavoured home made CNY goodies; looking at second hand guitars; looking through second hand books; talking about life over alcohol; sitting in McDicks (according to Iylia) with good friends talking about the most random shit and laughing our asses off (even though you're the butt of the joke most of the time! LOL); melon flavoured sheesha, lying on the filthy carpets; camwhoring with close friends and then laughing at the unglam pictures; asking random questions; listening to music late into the night; solitude (sometimes); Total Defence Day/V-day gifts (THXXXX LUV YOU GUYS. Promise I'll get you guys some stuff as well); talking to a close friend who binge drank a half bottle of whiskey and sobered up (but still puking) 2 hours later on MSN about the dumbest things that actually make you laugh; doing stupid dance moves in class and then the toilet with close friends; looking at mad rad hair; etc etc etc

The list goes on and on.

I am gonna start saving for my Queen musical/Post O levels fund.

I like CLEAN dreadlocks (on guys). I don't think dreadlocks + Jolyn will go. Andddd, if I ever want to get rid of them, I'll become G.I. Jo(e). Omg, lame.

RIOT GRRRRL

*

I want to do sheesha again next weekend. Who's up for it? I will try (and fail) to be the best company on earth.

"You're weird, but weird in a good way".

*

I walk a lonely road.~~You mean so much to me, I rather hurt inside silently than lose you.~~ ~~Whatever gave me the idea that I am gonna be good enough for you?~~ Please be happy.

fuck off fuck off fuck off just fuck off

2008-02-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

I WILL LISTEN TO BRUTAL MUSIC 24/7. FUCK OFF, EVERYONE JUST FUCK OFF.

i hate how you walk all over me.
i hate how i let you walk all over me.

why am i so fucking stupid?
i can't even listen to music right now. fuck.

I'll steal away your pain

2008-02-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

I wish I could extinguish this hope.

Burn me,
bury me.
Break me down.
Collapse. Just collapse.

Turn this all into infinite anger. Give me the ability to hate.

You never cared.

Devil's spawn

2008-02-03T18:05:00.000+08:00

I'm losing control of everything.

It's scary. Everything, whether it means anything to me or not, is just slipping away, faster than a cannonball. It'll only be a matter of time before everything grinds to a halt, and I see the mess I have to clear up at my feet.

Crash and burn.

You deserve to die. Yes, I do deserve to die.

*(Edit)

On a lighter note, I wish I had the entire discography of N'Sync. I think. I am so gh3y. Sappy love songs are sex.

And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore

Will someone promise me that?

We'll wish this never ends

2008-01-31T03:55:00.000+08:00

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight, stop this pain tonight?

Every now and then I fall apart

2008-01-27T22:12:00.000+08:00

Why are people magnanimous and forgiving? I don't see why and how anyone will choose to be so bloody 'nice'. I really wonder if that 'selfless forgiveness' is really all an act. I have this gut feeling it is, and it makes me so disgusted how you are so fucking pretentious and twisted.
Just like how I am.
The highs don't register; the lows are so frequent, it doesn't come as a surprise anymore. I expect it, actually. Like the dull hum of a refrigerator, I barely notice it anymore.

Are you inhuman?
Cos I am.
*

Watched 27 Dresses with Khairiah, Cheryl, Lingyu, Halimatul, Deborah and Germaine after lunch at Lido on Friday. I enjoyed the movie, I don't know why, since it's such a typical, sappy chick flick. The movie made me a little sad though, for reasons unknown. I enjoyed myself, it has been a while since the 7 of us got together out of school.

Met up with Trish, Karina, Aaron, Skid afterwards, before they left to home club. I ended up dumping my school u and wearing Nita's (nice) nightie to Chips and home club with Adriel and Josh, where a few of us sat down by the river side drinking cheap beer. I saw things that got me upset, but I thought I handled it pretty well. Then we ended up at Christian's (?) place.

Went home, showered, slept, rushed to meet Hansen at Cityhall for Fasten Your Seatbelts! :D Caught Iron Buddha and Bad Obsession's sets, and in between, we went to Raffles City to eat Subway and just catch up. Afterwards, met up with a few of the Niners, before Trish and I headed to home club (again). Needless to say, we did our fair bit of drinking, before we headed to Christian's place. This time, I fell asleep in a reallllly awkward position.

My life is so boring.

Sunday night, and I'm home. Exhausted, I haven't gotten much sleep. Thanks to drinking on both Friday and Saturday night. I think at this rate, I'll either die from exhaustion or liver failure.

/

Who do you think I am?
Whoever it is you think I am....I'm not.

'Cos this hope is greater than you know.

Help me take my mind off things.
I am so weak.

Nothing will save you

2008-01-23T21:37:00.000+08:00

Nobody really means anything they say.

Nothing is forever.

"There are no permanent friends nor enemies - only permanent interest." -Ms Ng

(I think Hist/Social Studies lessons make a lot of sense, when I actually pay attention. They teach you a lot. They show us how selfish people can get. I see now, everyone has ulterior motives.)

Germaine, what did I tell you about trusting people?

Trust no one.not even yourself.

*

23rd Jan. 365 days.imy

*

I am so disappointed in myself, I am so fucking selfish. I never learn, do I?

I'm sorry. I'm such a hazard to the people around me.Repuslive, disgusting monster.